Bacon Bits

The weather here in San Diego is behaving so much like Seattle’s. Rain one minute, blue skies the next. It’s kind of like that inside as well as outside, at least at my house.

The day I arrived back in San Diego (Tue Feb 15) was my parents’ anniversary. I got home around noon. On that day, Mom was having a lot of pain. But she didn’t want to take any pain meds because she was afraid she’d sleep through dinner with my Dad. And when she finally broke down to take the medicine, she also broke down to me, sobbing uncontrollably and begging me to make sure I stayed home for dinner so my Dad wouldn’t be alone on their anniversary. But I managed to calm her down and just stayed close to her and tried to convince her that everything would be okay.

Surprisingly to all, it actually turned out okay. The meds got her pain under control enough that she was able to take a snooze and later join Dad and I for dinner. My parents opened some anniversary cards and presents, including my contribution of a Ganeesh idol that I picked up at Uncle Jer’s in L.A. “Removes Obstacles” said the little identifying card next to Ganeesh, which of course made it the perfect gift. So now there’s a little brass elephant-shaped idol hanging out with all the other angels and totems and healing knickknacks that people have sent.

Ganeesh may have done the trick (or just timed his arrival right), because the next day was my Mom’s first pain-free day since November. And the day after that was pretty good too. We actually got out to run a few errands together, had some laughs over “The Office” DVD that I brought and had my brother and nephews over for dinner.

Now we’ve entered another phase, this one with its own unique mix of good and bad.

My Mom is currently riding high on steroids, part of the chemo regimen that she began again yesterday. This time they fitted her with a little “to go” type fanny pack (though she’s wearing it in a much cooler ‘messenger bag’ style) so the treatment is happening right here at home. And when Mom’s on steroids, she’s almost back to her version of “normal.” But in the immortal words of Dr. Kimberly Shaw, just before she blew up the building on “Melrose Place”--- “It’s not what you think. It’s worse.” Because my Mom, who has a tendency to overthink and fret over the tiniest details, is micro-managing every move my Dad or I attempt to make, and thinking aloud about people and places and dates to remember and notes to write and, above all else, things to buy. “We should get some daffodils from the farmer’s market.” “You should go to Costco, look at the tires, then go back tomorrow and get them.” “When I’m feeling better we’re going to eat at new restaurants, it’s time to break out of this rut. Let’s look at some menus now.”

While it’s encouraging to see my Mom in this energetic state, I must admit that it’s also annoying when she’s so overboard. And my poor Dad! He’s the one who does all the running around, as neither he nor my Mom seem to want me to ever leave the house. My main role is phone and door answerer, which keeps me surprisingly busy. And I do much of the housework. But oh my GOD would I love to be entrusted with something as minor as the grocery list, just to have something to do, a reason to go somewhere. I know my parents are just happy to have me around, but I’m starting feel like… a pet. Like a talking, colorful bird or a big lazy dog.

At the same time, I’m really torn about leaving. I want to but I don’t. I need to but I can’t. I still haven’t told my parents that I’m probably leaving Thursday and probably not coming back. I might stick around longer based on my Mom’s condition, work stuff and other factors. But things have got to change. I’m just sort of stagnating here. I don’t have enough to do to help out at home, so I feel useless and bored. Meanwhile, I have tons of projects of my own that could use some attention, from my taxes to my TV show to my website. But it’s hard to even get started on them, especially without a place to really do any work.

I guess the numerologist lady was right on when she said that as a Libra, I need balance and control over my environment. But with my Mom going from meltdown to micromanagement over the course of a few days, it’s tough to feel like I’m on steady ground. Or know which way to turn.